Now What?

“You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You “

The short version:
Those are the first lyrics I heard when I got into my car following my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appt. on Tuesday July 6th. I guess God knew exactly what I needed to hear following our latest news: I’m infertile. Cancer/chemo has robbed us of any chance of conceiving a child using my eggs.

The very long, detailed version:
We first became suspicious that there might be a problem back in December when we started trying to become pregnant. I didn’t ovulate for three cycles. In March I started taking Clomid, an ovulation induction drug. It worked, and I ovulated but did not become pregnant. The following two cycles, I took Femara, another ovulation induction drug, and again, I ovulated but did not become pregnant. In June my OB decided to send me to an RE for some tests due to my history of infertility and cancer. When I met with the RE in June, we did an ultrasound which revealed that my uterus was in fantastic shape, but that I while I had ovarian function, neither ovary was functioning at full capacity. At this point, I knew in my heart there was a problem, but I remained hopeful and prayerful. A few weeks later, I had an HSG which showed that my right tube was clear but my left tube had a small blockage. Overall, pretty good results! We knew we could ‘fix’ the ovaries with ovulation induction drugs which had already proved to work for me for three cycles, my tubes weren’t an issue and my uterus looked great. Only thing left that we needed to know were the results of some blood tests I’d had done. We went in on July 6th to get those. As soon as we sat down in the RE’s office, I knew what he was about to say. The news was devastating. Worst case scenario. My FSH level was 17.9 and should be below 10. My AMH was 0.1 and should have been between 1.5 & 3.0. My egg quality is terrible and what is there is likely not viable. I was given a 2% chance of conceiving with IVF on the highest amount of drugs available, and he told us that he feels very strongly that the culprit was chemo. The RE did not recommend trying IVF with my eggs. He did suggest donor eggs.

Since before my first appt. with the RE, Luke and I had been researching and discussing our options should we receive the news that we indeed did. We’d already decided that while we think donor eggs could be a great option for some people, it was not an option for us as we don’t want a child who is biologically linked to one of us but not the other. Something about that just doesn’t feel right for us. So, what options to do we have?

1. Traditional adoption, either domestically or internationally
2. Fostering or fostering to adopt
3. Embryo adoption or donation
4. Nothing and enjoy having an only child

At this point, we are choosing not to foster as we don’t feel we would be good foster parents while I’m working full time. In the future this may become an option for us, but as of now, we don’t feel that would be best for us or any children that would come into our home. We feel like adoption could be a great option for us, but right now, our focus is on embryo donation. My RE feels like that since my uterus is in great shape that I should be able to carry a pregnancy. The idea of being able to be pregnant again is so exciting to us, and being pregnant with an already created embryo(s) who would otherwise likely be destroyed very much appeals to us. We’re currently seeking out embryos that are being donated and are in prayer about this decision. Should this route not work out for us, we’ll likely pursue embryo adoption, traditional adoption or fostering to adopt. We’re open to all of our options and are not putting a time limit on ourselves as we just want to be in prayer about these decisions and do what we feel is right when it feels right, and we know that the Spirit will lead us.

We feel very blessed and are grateful that we do have my health and an amazingly, wonderful, silly, smart, adorable, healthy little boy! However, as you can imagine, this latest news has not been easy for us. The last few months have been tough, and we’ve both been through an array of emotions. Personally, I’ve mostly just been sad. This reality stings and hurts. A lot. I feel a great sense of loss and emptiness inside, but I’m not angry. I don’t care why. Being angry and mad isn’t going to change anything or do us any good. Now, it’s a matter of ‘now what?’ We don’t know what the future of our family looks like, but really, who does? We’re just trying to be ok with that and trust God knowing He has a plan for us, one better than we can imagine. Like the song I quoted above says “You’ve been faithful before, You’ll be faithful again,” and we’ve certainly seen that in our lives!

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