Just Trying to Breathe

I'll start at the end. Or at least where we are today. And this will be long.

I'm having a miscarriage. I start here because I want to recount the whole story and don't want to lead you to believe the ending will be a happy one.

Why am I blogging about this when most people would've never disclosed that they were pregnant? Firstly, I want prayer. Secondly, this has been incredibly awful for us, and should I ever want to reference this time in my life, I'd like this information to already be known. Thirdly, I want to recount the details for myself. Lastly, it's therapeutic for me to write this out.

The week of August 20th I felt pregnant. If you know my story, you'd know this idea is pretty crazy considering I can't get pregnant. Two REs (infertility docs) told us it was impossible for us to become pregnant on our own because my eggs were basically non-existent and what was there was severely damaged AND I don't ovulate anymore. Two years ago we were given a 1-2% chance of getting pregnant with IVF on the highest amount of fertility drugs available, and even if that were to happen, no one knew what my chances would be of carrying that pregnancy.

So anyway... the week of Aug 20. I felt pregnant. I won't go into why. I just did. But I knew I was crazy.

On the 23rd, my pregnancy feelings hadn't gone away. I'd spent 3 days battling myself. "I feel pregnant. I don't think I am. I can't be. But I feel pregnant." "You can't be pregnant. It's impossible. No way you're pregnant." "But I FEEL pregnant."

So I took a test. To prove to myself that there was no way I could be pregnant and to stop the internal argument I was having with myself.

It was positive.

I stood in the bathroom stunned. My feet were firmly planted but I was shaking like a leaf. I couldn't move. Or breathe.

I couldn't function. I was in such a fog that I had to call Luke to come home from work. I was actually incapable of taking care of the boys.

There is no way I could've been more shocked. Or scared. I was scared out of my mind. Luke was right there with me in all my emotions.

I went to my OB's office that afternoon, Thursday 8/23, and had a blood test. My hcg came back the next day at a 9. Very low. But the real indicator of how things were progressing would come with the next blood test. But I'd have to wait until Monday with results on Tuesday.

One of the longest weekends of my life. But the symptoms continued with no danger signs. I went Monday for the test. We needed an hcg of about 40 to know things were headed in the right direction. On Tuesday, my OB called. It was 50!!! We were elated and breathing much easier.

From Tuesday (8/28) 'til Sunday (9/2) I was so happy. Amazed at what was happening and optimistic. But I was realistic and knew that we were definitely not out of the woods.

On Sunday (9/2), I was awoken at 2am with excruciating back pain. It felt just like the back labor I had with Micah. And I was bleeding red. I just knew everything was over. But to be safe, I only took Tylenol and used a heating pad. After about four hours of this, the pain subsided and I was able to sleep.

When I got up around 10am the pain was gone. I was a little uncomfortable but there was no pain. And the bleeding had stopped and I had just a little brown spotting.

I called the OB's office anyway. I wanted to know if I needed to do anything.

Since it was a Sunday and the following day was Labor Day, they advised me to go to the ER to get checked out. I already had an appt. set up with my OB for Tuesday, but that was two days away.

So I got to the ER on Sunday at 1pm. After five (Yes, 5!!!!) hours there, we still didn't have any answers. The good news is that my hcg was 606!! At that point, to know the pregnancy was progressing normally, we needed to see at least a 400. So good news!

But still no explanation for the pain or bleeding. There was a mass found on my left ovary, but with an hcg of 606, there is no way it could have been the sac/baby since hcg needs to be at least 1,000 to see anything, and in most cases, more than 1,000.

The ER doc led us to believe the pregnancy was ectopic, but since I wasn't further along, it was simply too early to tell. I was sent home with instructions to come back if the pain returned.

Monday was long. I had a little spotting but no pain.

Tuesday finally came. Luke stayed home so I could take it easy. And we were both still so anxious that I think we both needed him to be here.

I had no pain or cramping all day. Just a little brown spotting.

I bled/spotted off and on with Micah 'til I was 8.5 weeks along. I tried not to let the spotting bother me.

When I saw my OB yesterday, she was very optimistic. She said the mass on my ovary was very likely a cyst and agreed with us that with an hcg of 606 there is no way that mass could've been the sac/baby. I was so relieved!! She said the pain could be lots of things and reminded me that some people just bleed. And I had been one of those with Micah.

She said I'd have another blood draw and we'd have the results in the morning (today). If the numbers at least doubled (and they'd been more than doubling ever 48 hours), we'd have an ultrasound on Thursday to see if we could find the sac and its location.

We were so relieved yesterday. Luke and I were so full of hope.

I was still spotting last night, but it was so minimal. I was finally able to not worry about it and just be hopeful.

My OB called at 9:30 this morning.

249. WAY below 606 and definitely not the at least 1212 we needed to know everything was ok.

So, it's over. Almost as quickly as it started, it's over.

I have not started to pass anything yet. Still just spotting.

I pray it starts soon. I need this roller coaster of a nightmare to be over. 

I will have another blood test late next week to determine if my levels have gone back to square one. If not, we'll go from there, probably with a D&E.

I can barely breathe. Fortunately, crying forces you to breathe. I'm a complete mess.

A few people have said, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now."

Unfortunately, that's not good news. It's very risky for me to be pregnant. I have muscles that have been moved around (from my TRAM flap surgery) that are not exactly in place to handle a pregnancy well. We know my egg quality is terrible, so even if I was able to become pregnant again, the outcome would likely be the same.

And Luke and I cannot handle this emotional mess. We simply cannot be constantly wondering if we're going to get pregnant. Can get pregnant. Are pregnant. And then if so, we cannot have a repeat of the last two weeks.

The plan at the point is for me to get an IUD in the near future. When everything in my body is normal. As normal as my body is.

So there ya go. An unexpected story for you I'm sure. Definitely so for me. I promise I'm more shocked by all of this than you can possibly be.

I don't ask for pity. I ask for prayers.

I'm not mad. It's not fair, but what about life is?

I'm heartbroken. I'm a mess. There are moments when I feel like I can't go on. But I know I will. I have before. This is my fourth miscarriage. I've been though this. I've been through infertility. I've been through cancer. And God has given me His strength through it all. He has carried me through. I can't see the end of this. The end of this pain. But I know it will come.

So just pray for us. Please.

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