Let's Backtrack: When My Heart Started Breaking

I'm sure if you've been reading this blog for more than a month, all of these orphan posts may have seemed to come out of nowhere, so I thought I'd share how I went from not advocating to advocating on steroids. :-) So, I'm going to take a one day break and then tomorrow and for the next three to four nights, I'll pick back up and finish my Orphan Advocacy Week.

I've cared about orphans since I was a teenager. Moreso than for most other groups of people typically ministered to (homeless, widows, prisoners, sick etc), I've cared. I've cared in the sense that it saddened me, and I kind of wanted to do more and occasionally did. And I prayed for them once in a while.

For such a long time, aside from my family and friends and quite a few people I found through blogs or wherever who were adopting and a few others, I didn't really care. Not like God wants me to care and love others. I was (am) too easily annoyed by others. I judged (still do) people for dumb things. I certainly don't feel compassionate many times when I should. I enjoy and love people. But I don't see people the way He does. Not most people anyway.

I love Christian music. It's about all I listen to and the only thing (aside from a few select songs) that I listen to with the kids. I enjoy other types music, but I want my children and myself to constantly hear the truths of God and uplifting messages, so we listen at home often and nearly every time we're in the car.

Matthew West's song My Own Little world has been a favorite for a while. It's catchy and I know all the words. About a year ago, when the song would come on, I started not only singing the words but praying them.

It took around a year of praying the lyrics when one day not long ago every line (Except the one about staying awake in church. I don't have that problem!) hit me like they never had before, especially this part:

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
That I could be living right now
Outside my own little world 

Father break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your Light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me

Just over a month ago, through my friend Annie, I found Children's Cultural Connection, the Ukraine hosting program I've mentioned here before. I looked at the pictures of the kids. Looked into their eyes. Read about them. Those lyrics. And then I broke down and cried for over an hour. All the feelings I had when I was a teenager and had a huge heart for orphans and mission work came flooding back 10 fold what they were about half my life ago.

God answered my prayers. "Yes, I will break your heart. You ready for this? It's going to hurt!" And He has totally broken my heart for the orphans of the world, here and abroad. When I make these posts about orphans and orphan ministry opportunities and share things here and on FB, much of the time I've cried while writing it out. Since that day just over a month ago, I cry through many of my daily prayers. I can't listen to the song Kings & Queens by Audio Adrenaline without at least tearing up (and it's played a lot and I do love the song!). I've prayed more about orphans in the last month that I've probably prayed in all my 32 years. I went from barely caring to a completely broken heart. That is not me changing me. It is God working on and changing my heart!!

I share about the orphans not to be annoying or to guilt trip anyone but because I believe it's God's heart and I care. Care the way I believe he wants me to care..... or at least beginning to. With a broken heart and desperate to help however I can. And I will help however I can.

I pray God will continue breaking my heart and helping me to see all people the way He does and molding me into the woman He wants me to be. He's got a lot of work to do on me, but He is a BIG God who can do more than we can imagine!

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